chasing shots of tequilla with sun chips. its doable but not recommended
The best revenge is premature balding
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
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