Come back if u want to. I'll do some dirty shit to u mamacita.
Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
he told her to call him "Frog Legs" and she still fucked him and not you.
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
She's just so happy...and so naked.
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
Thx for last night. I've never had so much fun while being told my life decisions are questionable at best.
he drove over two hours to fuck me and came in 3 minutes. he got mad when I asked him if it was worth it...
Randomize
