Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
Randomize
