I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
I'm still high with raccoon eyeliner eyes and chocolate all over my face and chest, clutching a mug of wine. Happy graduation.
Is it bad that I've been making new friends through your vagina networking? I don't think so
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
At this point it's more of an experiment to see how much actual bush growth is possible. See, being single can be both educational and surprisingly comfy!
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
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