My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
Nailed a drunk college girl before the CU game Saturday, and a drunk married woman after the Broncos game Sunday.
Some perfection is debatable.
It's just like riding a horse. A very tall, gay horse.
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
This chick at the gym, just informed me I was super funny this weekend. Especially when I untied her friends bikini top after throwing up in the women's restroom. SWEET black out chronicles has another story
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
