Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
I like to play this game where I try to reach orgasm before my bathtub overflows....lost tonight.
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
