textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
The worst thing about it is now I have to find someone else to fuck in the library.
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
In 2009 his now husband dressed in a sailor onesie and heels for pride so he needs to REMEMBER how to party
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
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