I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
Got 3360 Shoppers points for buying Plan B. I guess this all worked out for the best.
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
Randomize
