I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
I can't look at him without thinking about his cum face
And then as he was trying to conceal his boner from everybody, you said aloud "just grab your cock and get out of the pool"
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
.As long as you're some how patriotic with your sexual escapades, I can support it.
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
I am a bad person
You slept with him. Was it good?
I wasnt going to but I was too lazy to blow up the air mattress
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
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