I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
So I had sex with him again. He's still got it. Not chlamydia, he got rid of that.
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
He's acting like I should like him more than vodka and Taco Bell, but I just don't ser that happening.
What is she getting? Last time we talked her behavior was conducive to getting a tramp stamp on her face.
at least I have the sex noises of his roommate to entertain me while I wait for him to wake up
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
And Mike keeps telling Will that love at first sight is true and this is just a shit show. Help.
Dont... please don't. Don't fuck him on his bean bag bed
I mean, it's good for a lot of things. Just not the inside of your vagina
Well neither is bbq sauce but I dont judge kinks
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