Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
Hey, the point is, I have 3 guys to fuck to get over the last one. It's my golden rule. You told me to find a hobby! It translated as "find another guy".
That is the opposite way I told you to find a hobby.
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
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