So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
no. i just ate a whole thing of hot dogs. me and regret are sleepng alone tonigh.
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
Randomize
