I told u I don't really remember everything lol i pretty much remember not lasting as long as I norm and that I wore a condom, I hate condoms
I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
I'm really hoping to find some quality strange ass tonight while at my court appearance.
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
We celebrated International Women's Day by spending $700 and taking our tops off at the strip club
The boys offered to pay but we went halfs because we're feminists
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
Randomize
