just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
Randomize
