Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
she wanted me to tie her up with my playstation charger cord. i kept on hoping she wasn't a squirter. those cords r expensive. could have def been a Sony commercial tho
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
Randomize
