This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
note: just because the casino is called bourbon street, it doesn't mean you can puke and keep walking and no one will care. chalk me up for another 86
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
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