Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
Watching intervention at a bar. Who let this happen??
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
Randomize
