I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
She dresses cool and she's mean. And she has fake boobs I feel like I can relate to her on so many levels.
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
Let go out that Thursday night!
Yess sounds good, I have to go turn myself in the next day because what happened last Friday.
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
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