Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
too bad they don't have a 'people you may be able to do' thing on facebook. it would save me a lot of fucking time.
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
I saw your dick pic and thought there goes the last thread of my heterosexuality.
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
I'm both gender and math confused
Is 6 weeks really a benchmark now?
Ask me in 6 more weeks, when they're in a bisexual polycule.
Randomize
