Girls don't like it when you cum inside them and then discuss baby names.
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
I had to photo shop your nipple piercings. that was extremely awkward.
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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