i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
She is just sitting by the bathroom like a little puppy waiting for a knight in shining armor to take her in there to fuck her. New low?
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
I guess the weekly d&d orgies are treating you well
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