They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
You live 7 mins away and I'm leaving in 10 mins. At this point sex before work is impossible.
Challenge accepted. Be naked in 6 mins.
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
We need a hype man... Like a DMX type dude to just up the ante constantly...
I woke up completely naked in a mint condition 71 chevelle in someones garage. What.
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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