i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
Randomize
