Was just hit on by a guy with 2 kids and one was named Rocky. I need to get out of Buena Park.
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
Steve brought 6 joints and 2 bottles of makers mark, Josh shat himself in the pool, and Amy blew me. Hope that extra 3 dollars an hour for working overnights is still worth it.
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
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