I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
he acted like he had never seen anyone snort lines of adderall off of a microwave before. freshman.
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
All I want is dick and wine.
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
Guuuuurrrrrl! He ate the 🌮like it contained the Covid-19 vaccine!
Randomize
