question. what would be the least awkward way to ask your one night stand if he came inside of you because you would really prefer not to have his illegitimate lovechild. hypothetically.
after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
Randomize
