Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
2 weeks into this dating someone with money thing and I already don't know if I can go back to the being poor life
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
Randomize
