i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
There's always a silver lining when massive voluptuous tits are involved
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
I threw up all of my purple drank and thats really important
The shrooms were awesome. Everyone's bones in their face looked so beautiful! Everyone had great face structures.
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
Randomize
