I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
apparentely "Beer Pong Champ" is not a profession, no wonder they havent called me back......
told ya
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
if you don't go out with us, what are you gonna do? you're gonna go home and watch biodome and masturbate to texts from your east coast boyfriend and see the facebook pictures from the party when you wake up.
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
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