I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
Just saw a dude walk out of the parking. Garage in a diaper and tutu. He had a handle in one hand and a toy bow in the other
LOL its 11 am
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
What's rude is him not accepting my blowjob offer. What kind of guy denies that.
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
Randomize
