someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
Everything about him screamed your future.
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
he was like captain planet, but less blue and more nakeed
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
Still riding the magical train of drugs so, yeah, Id say I feel great
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