I can tuck mytits in my pants
I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
You just kept saying over and over "Tell me I won't do it." Someone finally told you you won't. You did. Welcome to herpes.
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
I'm on a mission. But just to make out with him so his relationship collapses and he is single when I come back in April.
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
I bought Plan B for the first time and an interview outfit today. You could say my life is improving.
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
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