I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
Hands down the best time I've ever had barfing.
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
I just want a better ending for myself. Not walking around with one sock on and my bush hanging out.
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
Going home with an argentinian named sulvio. Ill let you know how it goes.
Human Centipede: The Drinking Game. This is non-negotiable. First one to pass out the rest of us get to FEEEEED THEM!
If we accept the love we think we deserve do we also accept the sex we think we deserve?
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
I got really adventurous too. Like. Balls in the mouth adventurous.
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
Randomize
