There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
We got a party bus for the nite. I found out the hard way why stripper poles are meant for girls.
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
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