After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
which bright sisters idea was it to put semi-formal in the middle of no-shave november?
I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
Totally forgot we howled at the full moon last night... It's safe to say Tuesday Boozeday is my new favorite day of the week
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
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