JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking ros�, bitch!
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
Randomize
