tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
Randomize
