All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
