This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
Question: rebounding with your exboyfriend over your rebound guy is healthy right?
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
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