I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
At 12:16 am. We just got out of the truck and went behind it and fucked. With 3 people in the truck. On the side of the road. As cars drove by.
i'll llet you know if at any point this night starts to make any sense
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
