I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
He was banging holes in the kitchen wall with pots. They tried to pull him away but only managed to pants him. He kept "drumming".
yea im pretty sure it has something do with my love of forearms...
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
Hello my rib-scented angel!
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
Randomize
