My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
She's trying to master eating with her feet. She said it was be she "always has to be prepared."
They don't exactly give out small business loans to start-up dealers
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
Randomize
