I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
You made a list of reasons why you should be on fear factor. You came up with 2 reasons: "I like fear" and "I am fear"
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
Well according to all the calls, texts, and Facebook messages, I threw up on you guys last night.
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
Randomize
