nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
It was a blind-side dick pic.
cake and sex. what better combination is there.
He is a sex God. It lasted more than an hour, and I don't remember how many times I came. I lost count at 57.
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
Randomize
