my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
i lost his rear view mirror, your phone charger, and my lesbian virginity. 21 isn't shaping up too well so far.
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
well, obviously he didn't fuck me for my strong moral fiber.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
Sangria Flip Cup was probably one of our worse drunken decisions
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
Randomize
