Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
so i told him i still liked him. he laughed
well, your crazy. what did you expect?
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
We need to drink more. Just think how awesome it would be to wake up in a trailer and NOT remember how wee got here.
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
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