I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
How is there a hawk inside this house? More importantly how the hell is he handling it without any gear?
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