my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
she would be the type to have more hair on her twat than on her head
she has to be all "alternative"
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
I'm so horny
I have no idea who this is, but I'm up for a lecture on self-respect
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
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