god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
According to the transitive property, he has now had dick in his mouth.
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
apparently i tried to facetime the drunk bus last night, that's probably why we had to walk back to campus
Drunk ass.
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
Randomize
