I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
i'm watching the tyra show: "women who beat up their boyfriends" - lets see how she can make THIS one all about herself too.
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
