sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
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