as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
Does the phrase 'traumatizing near-threesome' mean anything to you.
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
Just pull your dick out and wink at her, its a game changing play
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
OH MY GOD REMEMBER ALL THAT I LOVE NEW YORK I DVRED BECAUSE I JUST DID
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
Randomize
