the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
cocks speak louder than words, as they say
Nobody says that.
It was awk he was sittin on a plastic backyard chair in his underwear and high white socks in the dark watching the nuggets game
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
Randomize
