Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
Got so drunk in South Padre some guy put me on a suitcase trolly and pushed me to my room. I flashed my boobs as a tip.
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
This is my gift to your gina
Best orgasm I ever had! I though we totally connected and I asked him to stay over. He went back to the sigma chi house and returned with his blankie and a 40. please help
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
It was a frighteningly large penis to say the least
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
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